Saturday, November 29, 2008

Twisted Thoughts : The Bai - Part 1

Once upon a time, there was a man named Bai. He is a handsome man with a kind heart. So, everyone likes him very much. He lives moderately in a small house, has a good car and a loyal dog. He lives happily every day. He owns a small shop that fixed watches of old and new. He has a collection of watches for the younger ones too. In his shop there stood a great big old old grandfather clock. It will sing music whenever it strike twelve. Children will run into his shop to see the big old grandfather clock to strike twelve and listen to its melodious music.

One day, an old Ah Pek walk into his shop with a very old watch. Bai walked over to the counter to greet this old Ah Pek. "Ah pek, you are not from here. How can I help you?", asked Bai. The old Ah Pek took out a very old old watch and put it on the counter. "I need you to fix this old old watch of mine", the old Ah Pek pushed the very old old watch toward Bai. Bai took the very old old watch and began to look over it. "Ah pek, this watch very very old. Where did you buy this from? No brand and no date of make", said Bai. "Oh, this very old old watch is hand made by a very old old famous watch maker which nowadays nobody know him anymore. Please do becareful with it", explained the old msyterious Ah Pek.

"How many days do you need to fix it?", all this while the old Ah Pek never looked at him because he was facing down. However, Bai never took notice of him and was looking at the old old watch with so much interest. "I will need at least 3 working days because some of the parts might need to be bought from somewhere else", Bai explained to the old Ah Pek. "Very well, three days it shall be. But let me remind you, " the old Ah Pek now grabbing Bai's hand. "You must never fix this old old watch at twelve at night or you will never let go of this old old watch anymore. You must remember what i'd said to you!", he had made Bai so scared that he went pale. The old Ah Pek walked out of his shop and disappeared. Both of his hands now holding the old old watch. "Do not repair this clock at twelve at night", he repeats himself as he look at the old watch. This old old watch was very mesmerizing too. It's not only the weird sound of the old old watch ticking but its' intricate design that encircle the clock casing was somehow very strange too. At the same time, a cold tingling feeling ran down his back when he stared hard at its ticking hands.

Bai usually fixed his customer's watch late evening until midnight. That old Ah Pek's watch was still lay at one side at another table waiting for its turn to be repaired by Bai. It was getting late when he finally had the time to fix that old old watch. "Oh, its getting nearly to twelve. I should not fix this watch. I'll leave it till tomorrow", he switched off his table lamp, closed his shop, put the old old watch into his pocket and walked home. Walking home was always one of his best moment because he will stop by Kong's Best in Town Wan Ton Mee stall. He will order one big bowl of noodles with lots of roasted porks, wan ton prawns, and some roasted mushrooms top with the most delicious gravy.

Upon reaching home, he will call for his sandals and his loyal dog will bring it to him. He put some dog food for his dog, put the old old watch near his bedside table and went for a bath. While he was bathing, the old old watch begin to tick very loud. So loud the dog began to bark at it. "Shut up, Ah Gau!", he yelled from his bathroom. Unfortunately, his loyal dog called Ah Gau would not stop barking at all. So he dashed out with his hair still wet and took Ah Gau out of the house into his kennel outside. Then he goes in back to see why his Ah Gau was barking loudly. He looked around but could not find anything that cause his Ah Gau to behave strangely. The old old watch has since remained quiet. Not a sound and not a tick. It had stop the moment Bai came out from his shower.

william wilstroth... The Bai Story

That guy standing there...

At one point while I was returning from my shopping with my wife, I saw a person stood by the guardhouse. This person's back was facing us and had long hair and looked skinny. So I thought this must be a girl...

Mr William : Look at her... long hair, skinny and back facing us... like a ghost...
Mrs William : Where?

Mr William : Neh... by guardhouse lar...
Mrs William : Yeah meh... guy leh...

Mr William : Really?

That person turn around and the person indeed was a guy...

Mr William : Fark! Ayo... hou yan hou chey... have long hair... so 9 skinny... tiu!
Mrs William : Careful lah... if he knows lips reading... he come and yelled at you...

Mr William : So what? If he knows lips reading... I don't give 2 farks...
Mrs William : Nanti he ask his friends come main you...

Mr William : So what? Main.. main lar... I boh scared... you want front or back... huh...
Mrs William : They want back then how?

Mr William : So what? back... back lar... nah... masuk... masuk lar...
Mrs William : Hehehe... I take camera and photograph to confirm your gayness in your facebook...

Mr William : ok... ok... fark...
Mrs William : hahahaha...

william wilstroth... lame... lame... lame...

Twisted Thoughts: Facial cream

Editor : It has been many moons that I had stop creating weird stories for the Twisted Thoughts series. Now, I am going to do one because I am having a weird feeling, as usual, to write about something I saw in a pharmacy store. Here goes and enjoy the rest of it.

At a pharmacy store, 09:00 hours

A woman was inquiring about a facial cream, that has been catching the attention of the woman's population lately, if it can regenerates her skin. The pharmacist answered her with assurance that its the top of the range the manufacturer had to offer currently. The product warranted flawless skin and even eliminate dead skin in 40 days. The woman happily bought the facial cream and walked out of the store.

At a mental institution, 09:15 hours

"Doc, she's not showing stable sign but worse at each hour", the assistant informed the main psychological doctor. "We are getting more and more of this crazy cases", the doctor sighed. "Doctor, is there any cure at all?", the chief police was wondering what was the main cause of these bizarre cases. "I am suspecting something of a chemical usage that is being applied on their face. Look at their face", the doctor pointed to all those patients in the white room. The infection were raw and red patches spreads out everywhere. "It is as though the root of the disease appeared from there but I cannot confirm it until the we have a report from lab test", replied the doctor. The patient were clawing themselves, some were walking aimlessly and some just stared into blank spaces.

At a residential area just outside the city, 09:30 hours

John had a fitful sleep but his mouth still reeks of alcohol taste. "Damn, I should have less of it", he laid still with one hand searching for his wife. She was not there. He looked around. She was sitting at the dressing table. Head dropped and face covered by her hair. "Darling, you okay?", he get up a bit from the bed. His wife had remained silent and made no movement. "Hey, you okay", he got up from the bed and sat by the bed side. She made no movement at all. He touched her shoulder. That sudden touch of his triggered her senses and she turned to him with fiery red eyes. Blood began to pour out of her eye sockets. She was in a deranged fit and flung herself at her husband. She had lost her total senses. Her husband managed to got hold her both hands at the right time. She was trying to gnaw at her husband. "Fuck! Darling!", he was now so scared. and tried to hard to push off her attack. He kicked her off and ran out of the room. His wife was screaming loudly. He could heard her came running out of the room and chasing him. "Shit, the girls", he dodged into the living room as she flung herself form the stair case to the landing. She missed and crashed with a loud thud and smashed some ornaments. He made a quick detour and ran up to the girls' room from the back kitchen to the upper floor.

He opened his daughters' room. The two of them were no longer asleep. They had positioned themselves by the bedside and sat silently just like their mother. "Girls", he murmured to them. A loud thud from below awakens them. They turned their heads around. "Fuck", he legs nearly gave way but he made a quick run before they can come after him. He jumps out of the window and landed at the garden. They were everywhere. He run to his car, got in, and wind up the window. "Good morning sir", the car responded. "Eve, start the car quick", he yelled and pressed his thumb at the finger print scanner. "Scanning", Eve replied. "Quick! Quick!", John by now had really his mind blown off. His heart was racing speedily from all the shock. The car started. "Car ready". The moment the car auto locked the doors, his wife had jumped onto the car boot. He reversed immediately and swerved to the left. His wife, no longer a human, but had became of something, had bumped off from the car. He accelerated so hard the car jolted forward and went speedily to the front. There were so many of them walking at his neighborhood. Some of the dead were his good neighborhood and being eaten by their spouses. "What's wrong with these women?" he looked at them. A man was screaming for help when a group of them charged at him and push him down to the lawn. The end of him, he thought as he sped fast out of the residential area.

In a made up command base outside the mental institution, 10:00 hours

"General, these things are getting out of hand. The doctor is dead. It's spreading inside. What shall we do?", an army who had just ran out of the building and his hands was shaking. He was very afraid of the situation. "Captain! Informed the DoD we need to lock down this area. Declare state ermegency!", he grabbed his body armor, load and cock his MP5, and stared at the soldier. "Its up to us now. Let's go kick some ass!", he said to the soldier. "Are you kidding? They are many of them! No I am not going!", the soldier shook his head. Suddenly, just outside the base there are more grunting noises and more shootings. "Shit! those things are out!", the soldier murmured to the general.

At Department of Defence, 10:15 hours

Dead male officers were everywhere and only the sound of computers can be heard beeping and processing on its own. Somewhere at a level in the building there were still some survivors, now very clear those survivors were male officers, had barricaded themselves behind the supplied store. "Those women had gone crazy and start bitting everyone. Every one male, I say again, males. These things seemed to only attack male!", he was speaking to the radio that he managed to grab from one of the level while escaping the attack. "We are still lock in the supply room and we need help. Anyone out there. Please send help!", Buddy Good Junior gave his last reply before the supply room's door was crash open by the things. More gun fires and more dead bodies. They had Buddy cornered. "Oh mercy! God have mercy on me!", he committed suicide with his side pocket pistol before those things went for him.

At the manufacturing pharceautical headquarters, 10:30 hours

"You knew all along that facial product contains this serum!", one of the scientist had just went into the managing president's office, locked himself with her, and showing the tube of serum containing the deadly viral strains ELIMM-ALE. "They are out of control!", he was holding a pistol. A few of the scientist had managed to safely lock themself with the president. The president was calmly sitting by her desk. "Yes, I knew and I wanted it to be that way", she gave a smile and looked out of the window. Her office faced the great lake and the landscape of the great city beyond it. "And it had already started", she said. There were more cries and grunts just outside her office. "Now, what are we going to do? We cannot just stayed here. We need to escape!", the scientist now stood beside her. From her office, the city beyond the lake had a few black smoke bellowing out of it. A few helicopters can be seen hovering it.

"No we are staying.", the president looked back at him. "You are out of your mind!", the scientist now panic. Had he knew about this he would have stop the developement. The facial cream deemed as the best skin regenerating product but it had one live strain that can control human brain and re-constructs human DNA. One of it's objectives was to kill off male population...

Editor : Had this story been true. What do you feel the next time when your wife, girlfriend or your daughter buys a new facial cream product?

william wilstroth... elimination of male population...

Monday, November 24, 2008

Just a piece of my mind.

Out of blogging and enjoying the world of working. A piece of my mind blew out and it fell on this ground.

If you would like to see it, please feel free but beware it's ugly and not recommended for underage. Seriously, don't click cos' it's ugly.

[A piece dropped and flushed into the toilet].

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Wifesoft Inc - Part 3

The guy felt frustrated and dissappointed with other day's response from Wifesoft Inc 1.0 so he went out shopping for the software. Along the Liao Yet Plaza, he found this flyer. Hey, I got to story tell a bit, right, just to get this final part of my story Wifesoft Inc.

Yes, that poor guy went to Liao Yet Plaza to look for software and he saw a flyer like below :

Ok, I am done wasting my precious brain cells...

I hope you have enjoy my story...

william wilstroth... come come... murah murah... beli 5 percuma 1

Wifesoft Inc - Part 2

Here's another made up response from me as Wifesoft Inc to my previous enquiry.

Customer Care Wifesoft Inc,
Wifesoft Inc,
YY Techsoft Spouse Technology Park,
YY City,
YY Country

RE : Violation of Installation Mistress 1.0

Dear valued customer,

We are happy to get feedback from you for using our software Wifesoft Inc 1.0. In regards to your enquiry, we do not manufacture Mistress 1.0 and we do not acknowledged this software usage as it conflicts with our Matrimonial Law Inspection Logic.

For your information, we are receiving complaints of corrupted software Wifesoft 1.0 when customers installed software Mistress 1.0. Wifesoft 1.0 is the core operating software, kindly to remind our valued customers, and its primary registries and secondary ROM updates occupies all your system's memory. Any illegal, unwanted, additional installation not of Wifesoft Inc will force your system to go into a black screen state.

Previously, customer may still be able to use the system after Mistress 1.0 installation but with the current new 'Black Screen' operation, we are forced to black out all user's screen. I hope that you as our valued customer will not install that software.

As of last year, we no longer provide free support Wifesoft crisis due to Mistress 1.0 installation. However, we do provide the following services :

1. Emergency Wifesoft 1.0 Resucsitation Support for a minimal fee of USD 5000.

2. Emergency Wifesoft 1.0 Separation Scheme for a minimal fee of USD 50,000.

3. Emergency Wifesoft 1.0 Black Screen Rescue for each time USD 5000.

You might want to register yourself for below Wifesoft 1.0 protection:

1. Wifesoft 1.0 Viral Protection for a minimal fee of USD 5000.

2. Wifesoft 1.0 Spywife for a minimal fee of USD 5000

It has been a pleasure serving you as our valued customer.

Yours Sincerely

Customer Care Wifesoft Inc

william wilstroth... Wifesoft response

Wifesoft Inc - Part 1

It's Sunday and I want to spend some of my brain's cell. Yes, you heard me right, I want to spend some time writing something for you guys, males with schlong.... pronounced as shhh...long.... Here you are:

(Put Your Name Here)
XX Street XX
XX City
XX Country

Customer Care Wifesoft Inc,
Wifesoft Inc
YY Techsoft Spouse Technology Park
YY City
YY Country

Dear Wifesoft Inc,

I have been using software Wife 1.0 with patches 10.9.9 for almost 5 years now. I had been following your updates and hot fixes regularly too. I am very impressed with its processor too albeit some instability in Emotion-X 1.0.0, ExpendAll 2.0.0, FoodTaste 9.9.9 and Bed-SX-Romp 3.9.1. However,
as of late i noticed some of my friends is using this so-called new Mistress 1.0 and they seemed very satisfied and happy about using it.

Hence, I would like to know if there is further updates to the current software Wife 1.0 in comparison to this new Mistress 1.0. Moreover, it would be kind of Wifesoft Inc to send me some information about this new Mistress 1.0.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Thank you in advance.

Yours Sincerely,

(Sign Your Name Here)

william wilstroth... wifesoft enquiry

Please don't watch too much TVB drama...

One evening at the living room watching TVB drama:

Ms Knitter : Ayo... the father come...

Mrs William : Yeah lor... marah this time...

Mr William : ** Observing them and the drama **

The drama had a few episodes about the father's daughter falling in love with a guy who is even older than the father. Furthermore, this courting old ah pek has an elder son but I am thinking his wife had passed away long time ago. Then, the episode showed the girl's father got pissed off when he found out the guy was way much older than him. He stormed off from the restaurant after a few minutes of beh tahan.

Mr William : Haiyo... if I am the father, I will go home lar... Come on lar, that ah pek is so old... older than me... If my daughter next time date a very old guy, older than me, I will get crazy too!

Mrs William : Eh, low kung... this ah pek very rich leh...

Ms Knitter : Yeah lar... very rich wan... what if your daughter marries Pak Lah...

Mr William : Ptui! Pak Lah... -____-"

Mrs William : Yeah lar... an old ah pek like Pak Lah... some more he is a PM wor... you don't prejudice old men ok?

Mr William : I am going to sleep... you girls selamat menonton!

william wilstroth... old men, young girls, wedding, young father-in-law, one word called fark

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Driving... the bad and the good...

Driving in Penang Island can be a challenge at times. I think driving in Penang is like a weather. Some days you meet some bad ass mother farkers. Some days you meet really nice courteous drivers. When I say bad ass mother farkers, these drivers are dead serious ass holes. My wife who doesn't drive at all do notice these bad drivers.

Scene 1 : Cars which doesn't stop at junctions
These drivers doesn't stop at junctions, proceed and turn without thinking of other drivers' safety. These drivers usually has large amount of return from their insurance investment. So to them it is live and let die.

Mrs William : WTF!?!?!

Scene 2 : Cars which drives at the middle of the road

These drivers seem delirious with their driving. They could not decide if they want either the left or the right lane. So being so undecided with their mind, or blurr, they decided to drive the middle lane. These drivers will clog both lanes and other drivers will have swerve left or right just to avoid them. They are so delirious that they are afraid one of the lane will smash their car.

Mrs William : Ooi! WTF... you alzheimer ar?! Masuk left... masuk lar... WTF?!?!?! Ooi!

Scene 3 : Cars which overtake near your car
These drivers normally has problem deducing how far is far when it comes to overtaking other drivers. Or, their alignment has gone way out. Or, another reason is that they have some kind of magnet that actually steers their car towards other people's car. They just cannot overtake people safely in a safe distance. Or probably they wanted people to know that their are driving one farking nice Proton Satria. I do not know, most of the time drivers who overtake me in an unsafe distance are Potong Sucktria. I don't discriminate Sucktria but most of its drivers had problem overtaking other people safely.

Mrs William : You crazy arsehole... in a hurry to get birth certificate ar?!?!?! Siao!!!

Scene 4 : Cars which speed up if you want to turn
I find this bad behavior of speed up deliberately at other turning cars incultivated among our Malaysian drivers. When they see someone puts a signal to turn, they speed up! Until today I am still trying to see the rationale behind of speeding up behind drivers who are about to turn or cross over. The only thing I can think about these drivers are selfish. I do not see a problem why one cannot slow down and let a poor bugger to turn into their lane. Let the poor bugger turn, you are not going to get to your destination faster. You might or probably still need to stop at a traffic light.

Mrs William : Eh, the farker's car got no brake ar?

Scene 5 : Cars which don't brake
Please brake if you find cars who are slow, cars who are turning, cars about to turn into your lane, cars who are turning into a junction. Is the brake that difficult to press?

Mrs William : That guy's brake gone liao... i think his spindle (ass) also loose oredy... boh control... shit directly...

Scene 6 : P drivers who think they are smart

Fark, I seem these P drivers many times. I farkingly hated them because they screwed up other drivers' safety. They will do all the dangerous and stupid stunts. I wonder how they got their P. Yeah, I can imagine their young, hot blooded and adrenaline rush after getting their P license. Damn, I am feel happy if they ever crash into one bad arse mother fucker who will rip their lungs out.

Mr William : * fark - a Myvi knock behind *
Young specky with spiky hair : * got shock *

Mr William : You! Come out!
Young specky with spiky hair : Sorry... sorry... I didn't see...

Mr William : You didn't see?! You were on the phone when I looked at the rear window.
Young specky with spiky hair : Sorry... sorry... I didn't see...

Mr William : So how now? Pay or how?
Young specky with spiky hair : Sorry... Sorry...

Mr William : Pay lar... how much you got...
Young specky with spiky hair : how much you want?

Mr William : I want 300 lar...
Young specky with spiky hair : wah ... expensive lar...

Mr William : Then don't drive and speak phone lar... so now how? You bang people wor...
Young specky with spiky hair : I know... I'm sorry... real sorry

Mr William : * Haih... koyak... thank god my bumper no scratch * OK lar... I want your phone...
Young specky with spiky hair : har?! what?!

Mr William : Next time don't speak and drive ok?
Young specky with spiky hair : ok ok... sorry sorry...

Adibah Noor's advertisement is a good reminder to all Malaysian to drive safely. Yet I think Malaysian drivers' ears and eyes are deaf and blind. Adibah Noor's advertisement should also stressed on young drivers too. Younger drivers are more reckless than adults. Adults, well, are more stubborn...

William Wilstroth... drive safely... why bother... Malaysian drivers sometime don't listen at all...

Saturday, November 15, 2008

My BMW... bought with credit card

It was a moment to behold and I was so happy that I am holding a key to the car above. The sales agent was at my house. Can't you believe it? He personally sent the car to my house in Ipoh!

Mr SA : Thank you Mr Yau. Here is the car manual, spare car keys and a membership package to BMW club. Please sign here... ** pointing at the receipt **
Mr William : Wow... ok... ** Sign... sign... **

Mr SA : Ok... everything's done... I'll be going now... and enjoy your new car.... ** he left through the main door **
Mr William : woooooooooh..... !!! ** Doing the RAIN DANCE **


Mr William : Eh... wait a minute... who pay for the car??!!

However, the sales agent was no longer there. I went through the box that he gave me. I can't find the receipt anywhere. I remember I did not buy any new car at all. Who had pay for me? Then at that moment, my dad walked in with joy because he saw a new car parked next to his Livina...

Mr Snr Yau : Wow... you bought that car out there?
Mr William : Yeah...

Mr Snr Yau : Wow... my son is capable... good... very good...
Mr William : ** I was looking at the car key **

You know, the car key has the BMW insignia and I felt good. It was a very good feeling! I'd never had that kind of feeling so long since I got hold of exam results. It's strange.

Mr William : oh shit... I think I just sign the credit card bill... please don't tell me that I sign it with my credit card... oh god...

Alarm clock : teet... teet... teet... teet... teet... teet... teet... teet... teet...

** Poof **

Mr William : ** woke up **.... thank god... just a dream... otherwise how am I going to explain to Mrs William!

Thank god, it was a dream. But, it was a good dream. A real good dream. But *&*%^&$%^$^#%$@#!#$, I used my credit card to buy that car in my dream...


william wilstroth... I swipe credit card to buy BMW